I was chatting with a friend last year about the first day of school. She said that the moms at her daughter’s school were crying at drop-off. Did you hear me? They were CRYING. “What?” I screamed while half-laughing, half-swallowing my tongue, “Should I assume they were tears of joy?”
“Not exactly,” she laughed, “they were sad that summer was over.”
“What’s there to be SAD about? Were the kids starting Kindergarten?”
“Nope,” she answered coolly, “those were the moms in every class, including ours.”
We laughed for a long time at their expense; swapping anecdotes while calculating our free time, and then I started to think about it. I mean, I get it… kids are great and all, but after being cooped up with them all summer, why the hell would anyone want to spend one more day arguing over snacks and screen time when facing a maternal sabbatical. It made no sense. Therefore, I have decided to put a list together of all the reasons why we should celebrate this monumental occasion, embrace our inner solitude and afford ourselves the opportunity to get shit done. So, whether you are a mother lamenting over drop-offs and leisurely naps or one serving high-fives with shots of tequila, there is one thing we both have in common: The school year is about to begin, and below are 20 reasons why you should be applauding it instead of crying into a pillow that you’re just going to have to wash later.
- You can hear yourself think.
- No one is going to stick their head in the shower the second you step in.
- If you want to, you can curl your hair.
- Fewer dishes to wash.
- If you make a sandwich, you get to fucking eat it.
- The only arguments are the ones that happen before and after school.
- No SpongeBob.
- You can pee with the door open.
- Doing laundry will no longer require taking breaks to prepare snacks.
- The toys will remain in one room until the bell rings.
- You are guaranteed not to hear the word “Mommy” repeated 38 times in a row.
- If you buy a bag of M&M’s, no one has to know.
- The only whine you’ll hear is the sound of cork popping.
- You can nap whenever you want.
- If you walk around naked, no one points and laughs.
- Going to Target won’t cost you an extra toy.
- The house stays clean for at least five hours.
- If there is a toy that pisses you off, you can destroy it without getting caught.
- There are only a few hours of real parenting before bedtime.
- The only ass you’ll wipe is your own.