The Boogeyman And Other Failed Mysteries

boogeyman

Children are often afraid of the dark, but where does it stem from? Every night for the past two weeks, my daughter wakes up screaming. She hears things: a creak, a footstep, a partial sneeze and it is all coming from her closet. I am a newly single mother and, frankly, a bit leery about opening a door where someone may or may not be wielding a knife on the other side, but I do it—for her—while secretly cursing those obnoxious cries for help. Still, I could not understand why, at age nine, she was suddenly afraid of the boogeyman.

My mother suggested she might be suffering emotional trauma: a symptom of divorce, but I didn’t want to hear this because that would make it MY fault and, well… fuck that. I have enough on my plate already without the added pressure of feeling guilty. Even so, I could not stop thinking about what she said. What if it WAS my fault and, instead of doing something to help, I was looking for an excuse to be right? Downplaying my daughter’s anxiety was not okay with me, and I knew I had to do something. I decided to speak with her one afternoon while driving home from school.

Me: Honey, I want to talk about what’s been going on lately.

Her: *Stares blankly into space* Can I have a snack?

Me: *Tosses a bag of grapes into the backseat* I know you’ve been having trouble sleeping, and I think maybe something is bothering you. I have a feeling I know what it is.

Her: *Rolls eyes* Grapes? Got anything better?

Me: No, just eat the grapes.

Her: *Eats grapes* What do YOU think is bothering me?

Me: Wait—so something IS bothering you then?

Her: What do YOU think?

Me: Come on. Be serious.

Her: Nothing, mom. Nothing is bothering me.

Me: You can tell me.

Her: Why do YOU think it is?

Me: Well, you mentioned your friends were talking about getting robbed at school the other day. And now, all of the sudden, you are concerned about burglars.

Her: I’ve always been worried about that.

Me: True, but lately, it seems to have gotten a lot worse. Can you tell me what’s REALLY on your mind?

Her: *Gazes out window* What do YOU think?

Me: *Takes a deep breath* *Imagines mom’s face when I tell her she’s right* I know it’s been hard since your father and I s—

Her: Goosebumps.

Me: What?

Her: Goosebumps.

Me: Goosebumps? You mean the show you’ve been watching on Netflix?

Her: Yeah, it’s pretty scary. The one about the zombies freaked me out.

Me: Wait, I’m confused. You mean to tell me that the last two weeks, where I’ve had to get up in the middle of the night and check behind beds, doorways and shower curtains was because of a TV show?

Her: Yep, Goosebumps; spooky stuff.

And there you have it: for once I was right, and my mother was wrong. Imagine my short-lived joy when she picked up that phone and pretended not to care.

20 Reasons To Celebrate Back To School Season

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta. #IJWTBP

I was chatting with a friend last year about the first day of school. She said that the moms at her daughter’s school were crying at drop-off. Did you hear me? They were CRYING. “What?” I screamed while half-laughing, half-swallowing my tongue, “Should I assume they were tears of joy?”

 

“Not exactly,” she laughed, “they were sad that summer was over.”

 

“What’s there to be SAD about? Were the kids starting Kindergarten?”

 

“Nope,” she answered coolly, “those were the moms in every class, including ours.”

 

We laughed for a long time at their expense; swapping anecdotes while calculating our free time, and then I started to think about it. I mean, I get it… kids are great and all, but after being cooped up with them all summer, why the hell would anyone want to spend one more day arguing over snacks and screen time when facing a maternal sabbatical. It made no sense. Therefore, I have decided to put a list together of all the reasons why we should celebrate this monumental occasion, embrace our inner solitude and afford ourselves the opportunity to get shit done. So, whether you are a mother lamenting over drop-offs and leisurely naps or one serving high-fives with shots of tequila, there is one thing we both have in common: The school year is about to begin, and below are 20 reasons why you should be applauding it instead of crying into a pillow that you’re just going to have to wash later.

 

  1. You can hear yourself think.
  2. No one is going to stick their head in the shower the second you step in.
  3. If you want to, you can curl your hair.
  4. Fewer dishes to wash.
  5. If you make a sandwich, you get to fucking eat it.
  6. The only arguments are the ones that happen before and after school.
  7. No SpongeBob.
  8. You can pee with the door open.
  9. Doing laundry will no longer require taking breaks to prepare snacks.
  10. The toys will remain in one room until the bell rings.
  11. You are guaranteed not to hear the word “Mommy” repeated 38 times in a row.
  12. If you buy a bag of M&M’s, no one has to know.
  13. The only whine you’ll hear is the sound of cork popping.
  14. You can nap whenever you want.
  15. If you walk around naked, no one points and laughs.
  16. Going to Target won’t cost you an extra toy.
  17. The house stays clean for at least five hours.
  18. If there is a toy that pisses you off, you can destroy it without getting caught.
  19. There are only a few hours of real parenting before bedtime.
  20. The only ass you’ll wipe is your own.